Any woman that has left someone abusive behind will likely know the ache of having lies told about the circumstances of that leaving.
You’ll know about the rage and fury at not being able to defend yourself, to correct the story, to make people understand. You’ve wrestled with the idea of announcing what happened publicly, about approaching people to clarify, to correct the lies. Then your mind has wandered toward what they will say back, or perhaps you even did do this, and they DID say back “yeah but…” and insert any myth you like.
That rage and ache will eat you up inside. Finding a way to deal with it, without access to actually correcting the lies told about you, or the twisted reality, is of paramount importance.
Here is what I want you to know. It’s the oldest trick in the book to do something to someone, then when you rightly pull back from that thing or try to lay a boundary, to blow it up and loudly announce their victimhood. They’ll do this first, loudly, frequently, while you are still stumbling to find your footing, dazed at what has happened and unfolded. When you finally stabilise, you’ll look around at the people who have evaporated from around you, or who have come forward to admonish you, or to try to draw compassion from you for that person, or who drill you for information they don’t need.
But its too late. The story has been told, minds have been made up, stories have begun to grow.
Its too late to correct it, to defend yourself, to make people see the nuance, to recognise that it’s the oldest trick in the book for an abusive person to sound like a victim.
Here is what I want you to know.
You don’t live in that world. You don’t need to fight that battle. Even though you feel alone in a crowd of people. If people buy the story they’ve been told, they’re not your people, not really. If people don’t make room, aside from buying the story, to actually check in with you in the aftermath, without allegiance or alignment, they’re not your people. If people try to use their position with you to admonish you or to draw information out from you. They’re not your people.
You don’t live in the world that requires you to play that old game, you can choose not to fight that battle, and focus yourself instead, on where you are headed, who you are becoming, and what your own needs are. You sure as hell don’t need those people who couldn’t see you, couldn’t find grace to check in on you or who used you to fuel the fire, in order for you to find yourself in the aftermath.
You don’t live in that world where you have to fight to correct your reputation with people that just don’t matter. You live in the world where you continue to live in tight alignment with what you believe is right, watering your own garden, and continuing to do no harm.
You’ll find your people in their actions. The ones who know, but don’t evaporate, the ones who know, and still treat you like you’re more than the story that has been told, they’ll still respond to the rest of who you are, and they’ll lean back into what they know about you from their own experience of who you are not the story they’ve been told. Or of course, they’ll flat out be at your, and on your, metaphorical side.
There will be circumstances where you may need to correct what’s said about you, I’m thinking of you if you are facing family court, or domestic violence court, or some other adjudication. And in those processes, patience will be needed. You’ll need the same skills of waiting to see what happens, before preparing a balanced response, the key here is knowing you will get to respond, to the issue at hand, not to justify yourself, or correct the reputation, but to respond exactly to the allegations that have been made about you. And you’ll get to do it in black and white.
Patience is tough when that rage and ache are inside of you. Instead of focussing outward, on people you cant control, and that old trick inviting you into a fight, turn inward. What do you need to regain stability and calm. Almost always its your nervous system that will require a settle down, its been ready to fight since that old trick came to your attention, and the pain of peoples actions and inactions came to light.
Contrary to the story your brain is telling you, relief rarely comes from yelling at the person who has pulled that old trick, nor does it come from correcting the stories of people who aren’t your people.
It will come from a deeper place, more authentic place. It will come from you being on your side. It will come from you hearing your own story, and being sure, beyond doubt, that you did what you could, in a way that was tight with your value system. It will come from being sure that you can sleep at night with the actions you’ve taken and the words you’ve said.
Remembering your nervous systems primary mechanism for expression is your physical body, do try to incorporate more than your thoughts, thoughts are wild horses, prone to running away with you. Instead, turn to running, brisk walking, punching a pillow, rage aerobics, tai chi, vacuuming… anything.. something that moves your body while you recount your story. Write down your story if it feels safe, sometimes it helps to do this with your non dominant hand, and tear it up, allow yourself expression.
You’ll be okay, just remember, this is the oldest trick in the book, and you don’t live in that book, that world.
This is not your fight.
You owe no one an explanation.
Be on your own side.
Stay gentle with you
A
Amy Madden 