What if its true that I’ll never have a healthy relationship because the way that I am, the patterns and histories that I have mean that im intrinsically defect, flawed in some way?
It always brings me comfort to lean into non relational examples and metaphors for these meaning of life questions. Even though argument can be made that relationships aren’t like seeds, humans aren’t birds, and the earths soil isn’t emotions, it still supports me to believe we are part of a greater fabric, part of a greater plan, some of which we may not understand.
It helps me to know that trees in the northern hemisphere and colder environs grow leaves and then lose them, standing stark and bare in the coldest of seasons.
It helps me to know that in some parts of the animal kingdom it’s the women and their communities who take responsibility for raising young, that men aren’t involved in this, and aren’t expected. So much so that men are eaten by the female after copulation. I mean, probably don’t eat your partner, but you know, something in it lets me know that the traditional family unit, the nuclear understanding of man+woman+kids isn’t the be all and end all of our world.
There are plenty of communities outside the western understanding of families, who redefine the roles of each of the family members, extending it and adapting it to suit the greater good.
Abuse in families is likewise a deviation from what the ‘normal’ is , and the harm done demonstrates its ineffectiveness in creating communities that support each other and the lifespan of species. It helps me to know that if I’ve experienced something like this, outside of the greater good, that caused harm, I don’t need to personalise that as my own deficit, that I can see it for what it is. A deviation from what is good for the greater fabric, and to place responsibility for that back on the perpetrator of abuse, and return myself to the notion that I am not bad, or intrinsically deficit, I did not cause the harm to myself, and I am not responsible for the confused and mixed messages about my worth borne from that behaviour.
I am responsible for being able to see the greater picture, where I stray from that path because of the experiences that have been done to or imposed upon me, and the meanings I’ve had to make to survive that. I’m responsible for the healing that forgives the idea that I am deficit, and responsible for the uncomfortable notion that I am actually okay, and part of a bigger picture. The difficult and uncomfortable truth that if I am to contribute to that bigger picture, I have a responsibility to lovingly accept myself for who I am and what I am, and to share that with community for guidance, love and acceptance.
Amy Madden 