Lots of women I talk to resist feelings, for plenty of excellent reasons. Sometimes so effectively they’re not even sure which feelings they’re not feeling anymore. When faced with me, and an encouragement to move out of their head, out of the think, and feel, they look at me incredulously, “sure Amy, but how?!”
Sound familiar?
We all want to feel the good things, elation, exhilaration, affection, satisfaction . We know those, recognise them, and generally speaking, allow them.
Their shadows though are less okay. Never mind that they’re culturally a little ostracised (think “just pick yourself up”, “dont be a debbie downer”, “pick up your bottom lip”, “just focus on the positive”, “you’ll be okay”, “it’s just a phase”) they’re also a bit hard to juggle in with busy lives. I mean, where does a good cry even fit between work and adulting and living? Where does one let out the lava of rage that is making your jaw clench? There is cleaning to be done, kids to organise, jobs to get to, appointments to make. Aside from being mostly unwelcome, they’re hampers on to an already busy schedule right?
Children are better at this than adults. If they’re hurt they tend to let you know, a good loud cry at school drop off, a big ‘ole tantrum in the middle of picking up your scripts at the chemist, a nice solid block pegged at their perceived offenders head. Ever noticed how they recover reasonably quickly? I’ve never met a toddler with bottled up anger from a play incident when they were one. Why? Because (and thank you to developmental stages) they haven’t bottled it up. They felt it, expressed it and then moved on, they got a lesson, or a hug, or a expression, and back to the business of being their best selves.
There’s a clue in there.
You too, even developmentally advanced from toddlerhood) can have a feel, express it, get what you need and move back onto being your best self.
Now I’m not suggesting you have a tantrum in Coles, or pelt a plate at your roommate for not doing the dishes for the fifth time this week.
I AM however suggesting you can follow the procedure though, with slightly more impulse control. The beauty of being an adult is that you have some implulse control. You can choose where you poop. You can choose when you rage. You can choose where you cry. The singular difference is that children don’t choose, and adults choose not to choose.
So. Choose your feels.
Choose to accept that you have them.
That you are allowed to express them (safely)
That you can choose when and or where you express them.
And you can choose to return to being your best self not withstanding that you had a feel.
How does it work then I hear you asking, a twinkling starting to happen in the back of your mind.
First is that twinkling, let’s all just accept once and for all that feelings are okay and welcome here. That we are people that have feelings, we are not defined by those. We just have them.
Thoughts are the same incidentally, we are people that have thoughts, we are not our thoughts, I’m sure you’ve heard that before.
So we can have feelings, and just like our metaphorical toddler, we will be moved by our body to express that feeling. I mean moved by our body quite literally, your body will change posture, shift expression, move limbs, change autonomic systems in reaction to the feeling. Notice those as they happen… I’m fidgetting my hands, my heart rate / breathing has increased, my eyes have become downcast.
Intellectually you will build a story, “I’m just fidgeting because I’m fidgety” (tip, because your hands want to do something), “my eyes are downcast because im tired of all this” (tip, your eyes are reducing available stimuli and considering crying), “I’m breathless, I should exercise more I’m not fit” (tip, your heart rate and blood pressure has stepped up a little in response to perception of threat). Try to set the story aside (remember, we are not our thoughts, and the brain will build any story it can to explain environment, not allowing the truth to get in the way if it’s good story), wait for your body to tell the story.
Being that you have impulse control, promise yourself to find a space that is safe for you, on your own, in company with someone you trust, in the shower, in the car (not driving) as soon as is necessary gauged by the intensity of the experience or situation you are in. Sometimes we can wait until that night, in the shower to release our big grief, sometimes we need right now to stomp ourselves straight away off on a big long stompy walk with our big angry.
Commit yourself to making the space to process that feel, and when.
And when you get to that time, simply allow your body to do what it wants to do as you think about the thing that happened. Move your limbs how you want to, without judgement, move your facial expression as you want to without judgement.
I can hear you practising and rolling your eyes “Amyeeee, this is so stupid” try to let that go, it’s not stupid. Your eyes want to roll and your head tips back and a big sigh. Exaggerate those moments a little, repeat them, return to thinking about the thing instead of thinking about how silly this is, instead of judging.
It will come.
Allow it
Don’t judge it
And when you’re done, you’ll know, I promise you will, be proud of you for doing the thing the mind would so easily quash, and impose judgment on.
Notice how your body feels, light? More grounded (sometimes described as heavier on the ground), slower, but in a purposeful way, a quiet way, rather than a sluggish way deafened by the sound of shame and guilt.
Anchor it in, so you recognise it next time (anchor it in just means notice)
And then, as with our toddler, return to living your best life, safe in the knowledge you can and will hold and have those big feelings that have been stymieing your freedoms.
Many people find, without the clutter of held back or unfelt feelings, they can think clearer, focus on priorities, exercise boundaries easier and be generally more mindful about their lives and choices.
They don’t trigger and tip quite so easily when faced with difficult situations.
Don’t be afraid to let me know how you go with this, or what you’re thinking about it.
As always,
Gentle with you
A
Amy Madden 