There are some situations that I channel an older wiser member of my family and calmly go about my business. There are other situations that make me want to channel my fictional Aunt Betty and follow up with some colourful words and a sharp knuckle sandwich.
Usually I am calm. The invitation to fight however, can be hard to resist. Especially if I’m called to defend myself, or defend my intentions, or perhaps defend who I am when I feel like lies are being told about me. In those times, my inner flame revs up and I think about all the smart retorts and sharp witty comments I’ll make to set so and so straight and fix this right up.
That will show them.
You know that feeling right? Like im not alone on this one. The urge to give a short sharp punch in the nose to ignorance and arrogance? Yeah. I’m pretty sure its not just me.
Makes me wonder though, after I’ve won our imaginary fight and delivered my rainbow of colourful retorts and the said sandwich… what then? What happens after that? We are rarely in these situations with people or situations we can walk away from permanently. What happens next?
Wrestling with this one not long ago, I thought about Brene brown and her teachings about what she calls “gremlins” the inner messages of shame that hamstring us. Simultaneously revving us up and shooting us down. Sending messages like “you’re not good enough” and if you rally against that “just who do you think you are smarty pants”. You cant win.
And that’s what its like with the invitation to fight I think, when defending your honour, and who you are as a person. You cant win.
We cant control what others choose to think of us, we cant control the information that they take on board, and who they take it on board from. We cant control what comes out of their mouth about us and the sometimes twisted outcomes of that. And usually we do have to face them again. Them and the misguided ideas we feel they’ve developed about us.
We CAN however, control how we think about it, and how we respond.
So putting Aunt Betty’s advice aside, and deciding indeed a spray of colourful words and a sharp punch in the nose is maybe Hollywood worthy, but not “amy-wood-worthy” (is that a thing?), what I mean to say is, sometimes we are better served by going about our lives with grace and integrity. By refusing to engage in the conversation or manipulation intentional or otherwise, from others, that is a misalignment of who we are.
How are we better served you’re asking me? how is it better not to clarify and to clear up issues that will likely arise again?
Communication is only 20% words, most of our communicating is done through our actions, our facial expressions and our demeanour.
The energy you spend on trying to change a persons mind is exhausting and likely to be fruitless because a mind made up is generally attached to an unspoken former belief or experience.
Your energy could be better spent on demonstrating to yourself and the world at large (and them of course) that your intentions are your intentions, and for the most part, have nothing to do with that person, and everything to do with who you are and what you believe is good and right and necessary.
Shifting the focus from changing an external persons mind, over which you have no control, and to internally managing your own responses, reactions, thoughts and beliefs, to choose calm and consistency is likely to yield more sense of satisfaction to you. More integrity.
Integrity is refusing to engage in the notion that you have the power to change anothers mind or beliefs. Its about being true to what you believe in, even when its hard. Its about trusting that if you are non violent and peaceful, that aiming to share a knuckle sandwich is indeed not in alignment with who you are, and that it will sacrifice your integrity.
Choosing the road to do the right thing, to do the thing with integrity, is harder I think, than fighting back with a burst of self righteous energy and anger. I think its harder to stay true to what you believe in, and to maintain that without the need for validation and confirmation from others. What I do believe, whole heartedly though, is that it pays better dividends. Its sustainable, and sustaining. I know all the people that I admire in the world, tread this path, and those that I don’t, tread the other.
Think about it.
All you have to do is refuse to fight, and to stay true to who you are and do what you believe is good and right. All you have to do is smile sweetly at Aunt Betty and decide inside yourself not to take her advice.
Integrity.
Photo Credit Aris Sfakianakis
Amy Madden 